I keep reading over our old conversations & all it does is make me miss you even more.

It’s been a bit over a month since we started “dating”. You brag about me to your friends but I’m sorry to say that I can’t do the same with you. You do all these special things for me and it brings me nothing but guilt. I don’t talk about you to anyone and I’m quite terrified hurting you but all this is hurting me. I’m sorry. I just don’t feel a “spark” between us.

It took me all this time to realize that I never actually fell for you, I fell for our friendship & I’m terrified that this misunderstanding is tearing us apart. I miss you.

I wish I never took the risk of going after you. That one risk took away a shitload of memories and a friendship I never wanted to lose.

Let’s weigh them out.

C is cute, funny, adorable and he’s been my best friend for a while but he doesn’t talk to me as much as we used to. He’s “delicate” and I just don’t know what it is about him.

A is funny, always there for me, he gives the best hugs, he’s always warm and he loves being around me. We’re super close now and I love his company.

J, we’re basically dating by now I guess. We’ve been on 2 dates but I don’t feel that “spark”. It just makes me happy to know that he’s happy but what’s the point if I’m not happy. He’s doing all these sweet things for me and it has no effect on me. It makes me feel so guilty.

I miss all our inside jokes, deep conversations, phone calls that lasted forever, summer chat until sunrise, working on projects and ending up procrastinating, eating together, baking for you, walking to class together, making fun of everyone, your warm hugs and making you smile. I miss my best friend and the fact that I fell for you ruined it just like that.

why.

today,

after senior circle, j came up to me and told me that he feels the red string connection between us and said that maybe in 12 years if we’re both single, we’d marry each other

then b comes up to me and hugs me super tight and kisses me on the cheek.

after the show today, c was there and he kept eyeballing me.

what now.

11/04/09

It’s been two years since I last talked to Jeanette. Two years since I lost my best friend. Two years since I lost all my hope. Two years since I’ve had a broken heart.

I miss you so much, Jeanette Marie Fox.